Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Her Mind and Heart



Her beautiful dream was rudely awakened by the mad alarm. "It's already 5.45am. So fast.", she sighed. Suddenly she remembered, and clumsily reached for her mobile phone. Checked for miscalls and messages. There were a few missed calls and messages. Her half asleep eyes captured the green message icon. Yes, she was expecting it but somehow last night she dozed off. She had a faint smile on her face.

"Let me take my shower first then I shall reply", she smiled to herself. Quickly she rushed to the washroom and did the needful for the day. Washed herself, shampooed her hair. Cold. Cold. Cold. Came to her room like a wet chicken! One hand clutched her towel, making sure it doesn't slip and another held the mobile phone. Her hair was wet and it dripped where she stood. It was spine piercing cold but she was determined to reply the messages from the green icon! "Good Morning. Sorry I dozed off last night.". Just before she could put her mobile away, "Triinggg", her mobile vibrated. Immediately a reply came from the other end, "Good morning. I thought so". "Urrghh, it's so early for the other person", she mumbled to her smile but was happy to get a reply. A few flirtatious messages were exchanged and she had to cut it short as she was yet to dress for work. Moreover, it was terribly cold sitting there half naked and hair soaking wet.

Put on her orange blouse and black skirt. Light make-up; eyeliner, mascara and lip gloss. Glanced herself in the mirror. "Hmmmmm", satisfied with her appearance for the day she quickly gragged her handbag and dashed out of her room like a princess running after her prince.

Practically, it takes one hour drive from her house to work place. The background music was soothing. It was one of her favourite number, "Munbe vaa enn anbe vaa". She gave out a huge sigh and her memory went to the past. Somehow it found its way back to past so swiftly. She was merely holding the wheel but her conscious mind had gone back to the past.

Biting her lips she pondered how it was all so beautiful, every bit of it, every moment. Sweet yet challenging it was. The dances in the rain, those wet messy kisses she would plant on him just to be returned with warm tantalizing passionate kisses on her lips and those bearly hugs that would melt her instantly. How he would just push her against the wall, press himself against her and romance her so gently. Those beautiful and naughty conversations that tickled her. Just how he always managed to make her happy and smile. Made her snobby face laugh. Laugh like there is no regrets of anything.

Warm tears trickled on her cheek. Oppss luckily she was wearing a waterproof liner and mascara. Those memories she would forever treasure and cherish the man who helped her mature.

"Tringgg", another message came in. Her mind is forced to the reality. She waited till she was at a traffic light to read the message. She smiled wide reading the message. In lightning speed she typed a reply. Sent it.

What is happening now? The man she once loved is now no more. That is the reality. That is a long bygone history. She had somehow overcome the worst of all that but now a new battle begins.A battle between her heart and mind.

Who is this person now who comes in the form of a green message icon? Why does she gets so excited at the sight of the green icon? Why is icon taking so much place in her life? Or why is she giving so much priority?

Soon she realised that she had actually put the green messenger in the place of her ex. Unknowingly and unwillingly it just happened. Although the mind denies but hypocritically she enjoys the company. Silently, smiles at every naughty liners sent. Secretly replies them too.

The messenger had put a smile and laughter on her face again. After many years she is talking to someone freely. Without fear and without any objections. Genuinely, she is being herself. She is not grumpy, snob or doesn't ignore like she does to others.

She talks to the green messenger like she talks to her ex. She sees and hears her ex in the green messenger.  The way the green messenger smile, talks, writes..hmmm she had just imagined her ex in all. Too much of resemblance and coincidence?  She treats the green messenger as one. Filling in the vacuum perhaps.

Heck, yes. She had imagined the green icon in the place of her ex. Her heart is playing a trick on her again. "Oh no, not this time", she tells herself affirmatively. She repeated that a few times as if chanting mantra.

Suddenly her super high ego grabbed her. How could she have this thoughts when it was her who set the rules. She had told the messenger there can't be anything more than friendship. Now, it looks like the rules have left her far behind. She is now drowning against the rules she set.Drifting far away.

Perhaps she should have just allowed the green messenger to play the cards. After all the messenger approached her first. Letting the messenger decide would have made her life easier but then she acted quick in setting the rules. Ya, once hurt forever the scar stays, maybe that was the reason for her setting the rules,

But why does she feel so strongly for this unknown green messenger? Talks so freely yet cautiously. On another hand, she worries she might be just filling in the vacuum. The loneliness and quietness of her life had made her turn to the stranger. Perhaps so? Although she refuses to acknowledge how she feels, deep inside she knows. What is it like.

Fine she feels, anticipates but that is it. Nothing more. It just wont happen. Perhaps its is just clapping of one hand in air. The messenger maybe merely killing time with her. Just another message and another lingo. The green messenger hadn't expressed anything, maybe she that is because she had shut him with the rules way too early. Perhaps. Perhaps so.

"Give yourself a chance.", her heart whispered.
"Give a chance and let history repeat itself?", hissed her mind.

"If you don't try you will never know. Express how you feel. Let go your ego.", stressed her heart.
"Express how you feel and get mocked? It is just an illusion.", challenged her mind.

"Do what your heart says.", echoed her heart. "You will be just hurt again. Be careful.", her heart warned.

The battle has just begun. "Tringgg", her WhatsApp triggered again.She smiled just as how she would smile at her ex and replied the text.

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4 comments:

  1. Wonderfully interesting till the last bit.

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  2. Was that you dear? Interesting.

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  3. Thanks Jeeva. Just enjoy the story :)

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